{"id":4335,"date":"2022-06-04T11:36:06","date_gmt":"2022-06-04T11:36:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/sfshortstories.com\/?p=4335"},"modified":"2022-06-04T11:36:10","modified_gmt":"2022-06-04T11:36:10","slug":"exit-the-professor-by-henry-kuttner-c-l-moore","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/sfshortstories.com\/?p=4335","title":{"rendered":"Exit the Professor by Henry Kuttner & C. L. Moore"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Exit the Professor<\/em><\/strong> by Henry Kuttner & C. L. Moore (Thrilling Wonder Stories<\/em>, October 1947) is one of \u201cHogben\u201d series,1<\/sup> a handful of tales about a mutant hillbilly family in Kentucky. Saunk is the narrator (and Gallagher-like inventor2<\/sup> of extraordinary devices), and his relations are Paw (who is invisible), Maw, Uncle Les (who can fly), Little Sam (a baby who has two heads and lives in a tank), and Grandpa (a monstrosity who lives upstairs). They have a wide range of paranormal powers.
In this story we see the family pestered by a Professor Thomas Galbraith, a biogeneticist who has heard rumours about the family after the Hogben\u2019s recent altercation with the Hayley boys ended up in the news (the brothers said Little Sam had three heads, so Saunk rigged up a shotgun gadget that \u201cpunched holes in Rafe as neat as anything\u201d\u2014the coroner\u2019s verdict was that the Hayley boys died \u201creal sudden\u201d).
Although Saunk tries to get rid of Galbraith, the professor becomes insistent after (a) Little Sam\u2019s sub-sonic crying knocks him out, (b) he sees Uncle Les fly away, and (c) he examines the shotgun-gadget. Saunk reluctantly agrees to go to New York with Galbraith if he will keep the family\u2019s secret.
The night before Saunk is to meet Galbraith in town, the family get together:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That night we chewed the rag. Paw being invisible, Maw kept thinking he was getting
more\u2019n his share of the corn, but pretty soon she mellowed and let him have a demijohn. Everybody told me to mind my p\u2019s and q\u2019s.
\u201cThis here perfesser\u2019s awful smart,\u201d Maw said. \u201cAll perfessers are. Don\u2019t go bothering him any. You be a good boy or you\u2019ll ketch heck from me.\u201d
\u201cI\u2019ll be good, Maw,\u201d I said. Paw whaled me alongside the haid, which wasn\u2019t fair, on account of I couldn\u2019t see him.
\u201cThat\u2019s so you won\u2019t fergit,\u201d he said.
\u201cWe\u2019re plain folks,\u201d Uncle Les was growling. \u201cNo good never came of trying to get above yourself.\u201d
\u201cHonest, I ain\u2019t trying to do that,\u201d I said. \u201cI only figgered\u2014\u201d
\u201cYou stay outa trouble!\u201d Maw said, and just then we heard Grandpaw moving in the attic. Sometimes Grandpaw don\u2019t stir for a month at a time, but tonight he seemed right frisky.
So, natcherally, we went upstairs to see what he wanted.\u00a0 p. 85<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

The next passage is hugely entertaining, and hints at the family\u2019s extraordinary backstory:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He was talking about the perfesser. \u201cA stranger, eh?\u201d he said. \u201cOut upon the stinking knave. A set of rare fools I\u2019ve gathered about me for my dotage! Only Saunk shows any shrewdness, and, dang my eyes, he\u2019s the worst fool of all.\u201d
I just shuffled and muttered something, on account of I never like to look at Grandpaw direct. But he wasn\u2019t paying me no mind. He raved on.
\u201cSo you\u2019d go to this New York? \u2019Sblood, and hast thou forgot the way we shunned London and Amsterdam\u2014and Nieuw Amsterdam\u2014for fear of questioning? Wouldst thou be put in a freak show? Nor is that the worst danger.\u201d
Grandpaw\u2019s the oldest one of us all and he gets kinda mixed up in his language sometimes. I guess the lingo you learned when you\u2019re young sorta sticks with you. One thing, he can cuss better than anybody I\u2019ve ever heard.
\u201cShucks,\u201d I said. \u201cI was only trying to help.\u201d
\u201cThou puling brat,\u201d Grandpaw said. \u201c \u2019Tis thy fault and thy dam\u2019s. For building that device, I mean, that slew the Haley tribe. Hadst thou not, this scientist would never have come here.\u201d
\u201cHe\u2019s a perfesser,\u201d I said. \u201cName of Thomas Galbraith.\u201d
\u201cI know. I read his thoughts through Little Sam\u2019s mind. A dangerous man. I never knew a sage who wasn\u2019t. Except perhaps Roger Bacon, and I had to bribe him to\u2014but Roger was an exceptional man. Hearken.
\u201cNone of you may go to this New York. The moment we leave this haven, the moment we are investigated, we are lost. The pack would tear and rend us. Nor could all thy addle-pated flights skyward save thee, Lester\u2014dost thou hear?\u201d
\u201cBut what are we to do?\u201d Maw said.
\u201cAw, heck,\u201d Paw said. \u201cI\u2019ll just fix this perfesser. I\u2019ll drop him down the cistern.\u201d
\u201cAn\u2019 spoil the water?\u201d Maw screeched.
\u201cYou try it!\u201d
\u201cWhat foul brood is this that has sprung from my seed?\u201d Grandpaw said, real mad.
\u201cHave ye not promised the sheriff that there will be no more killings\u2014for a while at least? Is the word of a Hogben naught? Two things have we kept sacred through the centuries\u2014our secret from the world, and the Hogben honor! Kill this man Galbraith and ye\u2019ll answer to me for it!\u201d\u00a0 p. 85-86<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

This initial setup is the best of the story, and the rest is more formulaic fare that sees Saunk alter the shotgun-gadget (which Galbraith has taken away with him) before the professor test fires the device. When he does, everyone in town who has a gold filling gets a toothache. Galbraith gets arrested. The now-invisible Saunk modifies the gun again, and on the next firing the sheriff\u2019s toothache disappears. Saunk modifies the gun once again, and then, when all the townpeople are assembled in the town hall to have their toothache cured, their fillings disappear\u2014along with everything else non-natural in and on their bodies, including their clothes.
The story ends with Uncle Les rescuing Galbraith from the mob. In return he agrees to leave the family alone\u2014but Grandpa reads his mind and sees he is lying, so Paw puts Galbraith in a small bottle which he never leaves.
A weak end to a story that has a highly entertaining first half.
**+ (Average to Good). 5,550 words. Story link<\/a>.

1. There are five stories in the Hogben series but the first appears to be a mainstream piece only loosely related to the others. See ISFDB<\/a> for more details.

2. See ISFDB<\/a> for details of Kuttner\u2019s solo series of stories about Gallagher, an inventor who often can\u2019t remember the purpose or operation of the creations he makes while drunk.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Exit the Professor by Henry Kuttner & C. L. Moore (Thrilling Wonder Stories, October 1947) is one of \u201cHogben\u201d series,1 a handful of tales about a mutant hillbilly family in Kentucky. Saunk is the narrator (and Gallagher-like inventor2 of extraordinary devices), and his relations are Paw (who is invisible), Maw, Uncle Les (who can fly), […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1025,1024],"tags":[260,256,1027,1026,1030,1028,1029,12,585,1031],"class_list":["post-4335","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-c-l-moore","category-henry-kuttner","tag-260","tag-2-5","tag-c-l-moore","tag-henry-kuttner","tag-hillbillies","tag-hogben-series","tag-mutants","tag-short-story","tag-thrilling-wonder-stories","tag-weapons"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sfshortstories.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4335","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sfshortstories.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sfshortstories.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sfshortstories.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sfshortstories.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4335"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/sfshortstories.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4335\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4351,"href":"https:\/\/sfshortstories.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4335\/revisions\/4351"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sfshortstories.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4335"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sfshortstories.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4335"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sfshortstories.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4335"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}