Exit the Professor by Henry Kuttner & C. L. Moore (Thrilling Wonder Stories, October 1947) is one of “Hogben” series,1 a handful of tales about a mutant hillbilly family in Kentucky. Saunk is the narrator (and Gallagher-like inventor2 of extraordinary devices), and his relations are Paw (who is invisible), Maw, Uncle Les (who can fly), Little Sam (a baby who has two heads and lives in a tank), and Grandpa (a monstrosity who lives upstairs). They have a wide range of paranormal powers.
In this story we see the family pestered by a Professor Thomas Galbraith, a biogeneticist who has heard rumours about the family after the Hogben’s recent altercation with the Hayley boys ended up in the news (the brothers said Little Sam had three heads, so Saunk rigged up a shotgun gadget that “punched holes in Rafe as neat as anything”—the coroner’s verdict was that the Hayley boys died “real sudden”).
Although Saunk tries to get rid of Galbraith, the professor becomes insistent after (a) Little Sam’s sub-sonic crying knocks him out, (b) he sees Uncle Les fly away, and (c) he examines the shotgun-gadget. Saunk reluctantly agrees to go to New York with Galbraith if he will keep the family’s secret.
The night before Saunk is to meet Galbraith in town, the family get together:
That night we chewed the rag. Paw being invisible, Maw kept thinking he was getting
more’n his share of the corn, but pretty soon she mellowed and let him have a demijohn. Everybody told me to mind my p’s and q’s.
“This here perfesser’s awful smart,” Maw said. “All perfessers are. Don’t go bothering him any. You be a good boy or you’ll ketch heck from me.”
“I’ll be good, Maw,” I said. Paw whaled me alongside the haid, which wasn’t fair, on account of I couldn’t see him.
“That’s so you won’t fergit,” he said.
“We’re plain folks,” Uncle Les was growling. “No good never came of trying to get above yourself.”
“Honest, I ain’t trying to do that,” I said. “I only figgered—”
“You stay outa trouble!” Maw said, and just then we heard Grandpaw moving in the attic. Sometimes Grandpaw don’t stir for a month at a time, but tonight he seemed right frisky.
So, natcherally, we went upstairs to see what he wanted. p. 85
The next passage is hugely entertaining, and hints at the family’s extraordinary backstory:
He was talking about the perfesser. “A stranger, eh?” he said. “Out upon the stinking knave. A set of rare fools I’ve gathered about me for my dotage! Only Saunk shows any shrewdness, and, dang my eyes, he’s the worst fool of all.”
I just shuffled and muttered something, on account of I never like to look at Grandpaw direct. But he wasn’t paying me no mind. He raved on.
“So you’d go to this New York? ’Sblood, and hast thou forgot the way we shunned London and Amsterdam—and Nieuw Amsterdam—for fear of questioning? Wouldst thou be put in a freak show? Nor is that the worst danger.”
Grandpaw’s the oldest one of us all and he gets kinda mixed up in his language sometimes. I guess the lingo you learned when you’re young sorta sticks with you. One thing, he can cuss better than anybody I’ve ever heard.
“Shucks,” I said. “I was only trying to help.”
“Thou puling brat,” Grandpaw said. “ ’Tis thy fault and thy dam’s. For building that device, I mean, that slew the Haley tribe. Hadst thou not, this scientist would never have come here.”
“He’s a perfesser,” I said. “Name of Thomas Galbraith.”
“I know. I read his thoughts through Little Sam’s mind. A dangerous man. I never knew a sage who wasn’t. Except perhaps Roger Bacon, and I had to bribe him to—but Roger was an exceptional man. Hearken.
“None of you may go to this New York. The moment we leave this haven, the moment we are investigated, we are lost. The pack would tear and rend us. Nor could all thy addle-pated flights skyward save thee, Lester—dost thou hear?”
“But what are we to do?” Maw said.
“Aw, heck,” Paw said. “I’ll just fix this perfesser. I’ll drop him down the cistern.”
“An’ spoil the water?” Maw screeched.
“You try it!”
“What foul brood is this that has sprung from my seed?” Grandpaw said, real mad.
“Have ye not promised the sheriff that there will be no more killings—for a while at least? Is the word of a Hogben naught? Two things have we kept sacred through the centuries—our secret from the world, and the Hogben honor! Kill this man Galbraith and ye’ll answer to me for it!” p. 85-86
This initial setup is the best of the story, and the rest is more formulaic fare that sees Saunk alter the shotgun-gadget (which Galbraith has taken away with him) before the professor test fires the device. When he does, everyone in town who has a gold filling gets a toothache. Galbraith gets arrested. The now-invisible Saunk modifies the gun again, and on the next firing the sheriff’s toothache disappears. Saunk modifies the gun once again, and then, when all the townpeople are assembled in the town hall to have their toothache cured, their fillings disappear—along with everything else non-natural in and on their bodies, including their clothes.
The story ends with Uncle Les rescuing Galbraith from the mob. In return he agrees to leave the family alone—but Grandpa reads his mind and sees he is lying, so Paw puts Galbraith in a small bottle which he never leaves.
A weak end to a story that has a highly entertaining first half.
**+ (Average to Good). 5,550 words. Story link.
1. There are five stories in the Hogben series but the first appears to be a mainstream piece only loosely related to the others. See ISFDB for more details.
2. See ISFDB for details of Kuttner’s solo series of stories about Gallagher, an inventor who often can’t remember the purpose or operation of the creations he makes while drunk.